Recalculating

Recalculating

In 2015, I packed one bag and moved from my home country to the US. It was nerve wracking moving to a place that is not my own, with no friends, no family at the time, no job and like the Haitian would say, zewo lajan (no money). I was engaged then and soon married my wife, Caroline, who has given me way more than anything I left behind at home, but being married meant I now have responsibilities, I needed to find a way to provide.

Though I was able to find a job soon after all my immigration papers were in place, I became very fearful that if I did not return to school and complete my degree, sooner or later I would no longer be able to provide for my family. This fear, coupled with my mother’s weekly “Whatsapp” messages reminding me of the greatest gifts that I could ever give to her, to serve God and to finish college, eventually got me to look into school options here in the US.

I love music and worship. It had always been my desire to obtain a degree in one or the other ever since I first laid hands on a guitar as a senior in highschool, and learned my first ever song, More Love, More Power by Michael W. Smith. It was reassuring to know my mother would have approved me going to school for music and most definitely worship. In fact, she could care less what I major in as long as I get a degree and give her *another* reason to boast to her friends. When it was time for me to choose my degree, I did not end up choosing music nor worship. I opted for Accounting, instead. I had to go with the discipline that could offer me the most job security because I like certainty. Turns out I like being in control of even the most simple things. Like when I go places with my friends, it kills me if I am not the one turning the wheels. Don’t even get me started on things that are more serious. No matter what it is, Rudy wants to be in control.

To speak of being in control is a total joke today. We are all in the deep depth of uncertainty as Covid-19 sweeps across all nations. Even Haitians are concerned. You might not realize what a big deal this is but this nation often dismisses illnesses because they got Jesus. Everyone everywhere is worried about what tomorrow will bring, the world’s economy is consistently dwindling, people are getting laid off and furloughed left and right and my “certainty-loving” brain keeps going on having to recalculate as this climate has nothing to do with what I had planned.

We all love it when Siri says “recalculating” with its semi high-pitch voice when we are lost behind the wheels, when we had taken the wrong turn. That voice serves one purpose, to let us know that we are going the wrong direction, but that it was working to provide us with a way out. This is what is happening to my brain right now; and in spite of the fact that Siri has found a new way, I don’t know that I like it. Because it is not my way.

I do not believe it is bad to have a  brain that loves certainty though. The issue only lies within what and where do you go to find this certainty. Up until recently, I was finding certainty about my future in a degree. I know it is my job to work hard and take care of my family and I will continue to do that. But I cannot ignore the signals that have been calling for a new direction. A direction that includes less of my logic and more counting the blessings of the Lord. What He has done for me and before me in the past. Where He took me from and where He has me now. This new direction includes the promises He has given me, His faithfulness which I have experienced time and time again. There’s never been a mountain too high for Him, no body of water too deep or wide for Him. He is who He says He is, nothing less.

So if you are like me and you are hearing this Siri-like voice saying “recalculating” in your heart, it may be the Lord’s voice giving you a reason not to worry, a reason not to live in fear, about what you will eat or drink or about how you will provide for your family. He tells you He is recalculating to let you know that He has a way out. So, come join me in counting the goodness of the Lord, in praising Him, in trusting that today’s troubles are not new nor too big for Him. He will get you to the destination He has for you.

Many, O LORD my God, are the wonders You have done, and the plans You have for us–none can compare to You–if I would proclaim and declare them, they are more than could be numbered. (Psalm 40:5)

 

 


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